Before there were two lines...

For many of you motherhood wasn't something you planned on. You are one of

the lucky who tripped on pregnancy and landed the most precious job you've ever

had. Other of you thought for a moment about having a baby and then found yourself

thinking "gee when was my last period?" For many of us though, it just isn't that way...

I've decided to back it on up before I move forward on this baby train. I wanted to share my conception story in hopes that all those future mommas-to-be would have yet one more story in the myriad of conception stories out there to refer to. I know while I was trying to conceive I couldn't stop myself from reading other women's stories and obsessing over what was the best position, what foods I should be eating and trying to find the holy grail to conceiving. To tell you the truth it felt pretty pathetic...

For those of you that know me, you know that I am, well, a bit over determined. I've never taken "no" for an answer and when I set my mind to something there is no stopping me. Well, my friends, for most things in life that is a really successful approach, but as I learned, and many of the already-mommas out there would agree, it's just not the way to get things done when making a human being.

Chris and I had a discussion about when we would start a family as I approached graduation from college. Here I was, 24 years old and feeling like the world was my oyster. All my life I had desired a college education and the completion of this life-long goal was just within my reach (this will be the topic of a future blog). So I guess I was all high on achievement and hey, since I can do anything now, why not have a baby... Looking back even to that point there was so much I had to learn.

With all this new found glory of achievement we set out to create a baby. At first it was very relaxed, there wasn't any pressure and it wasn't really anything out of the ordinary, this was July. How many girls had gotten pregnant on birth control anyways? Or how about the ones who forgot one pill which resulted in a sweet bundle of unexpected joy? I had quit taking birth control in November of 08'. Chris and I married in August of that year and I had heard that it is good to be off the hormones at least 3 months before trying to conceive. I had been on birth control for going on 9 years and figured my body could use the brake to figure itself out. I had used the pill, the shot and the ring (in that order). I was one of those lucky girls who thrived on birth control. Soon after I went off my skin changed (more "blemishes"), my chest deflated (nearly a whole cup size boo), my periods were longer and heavier and of course it wasn't clockwork like it use to be. I also started taking prenatal vitamins. Fast forward to July 09' and I was ready to put my reproductive organs to good use. I got my period the first week in August but wasn't disappointed as I hadn't tracked my ovulation or really "gotten serious" about the whole operation. Okay, I can handle that, I just need to actually TRY, because, you see, when Caitlin TRIES to do something it happens darn it! So I researched ovulation predictor kits, or OPK for short. I also figured I needed some pregnancy tests seeing as I would be getting pregnant here in the next month or so.... HA! After buying an expensive pregnancy test ($12.00) at the store I realized there just had to be a thriftier way to go about this. A year or so prior my friend had been in town and told me about these tests she got online that were dirt cheap, my search began. I found them at www.early-pregnancy-tests.com. they have these amazing things called "conception combos".

They are only $16.95 for what you see here and believe me, that is a huge savings. Clearblue Easy ovulation tests are $27.99 for 7 ovulation tests (there even more spend-ier for you classy gals that prefer the digital ones). Clearblue Easy pregnancy tests are $14.99 for 2 tests, so as you can see, this website is a gold mine of savings.

I also learned that apparently you only have a few days a month that you are even capable of getting knocked up. So much for all those dedicated years to birth control!!!! I also got Chris started on a multi-vitamin - only the healthiest sperm for my baby! I really like Rainbow Light Vitamins, their prenatal vitamin is gentle on the stomach and you only have to take one pill!!!

These can also be found online for cheaper. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for spending your money in your local economy but, as you will find, these things are expensive and I was planning on being on them for an extended period of time. Alright, on with the story. Now with the power of an OPK in my hand, and the knowledge of a 31 day cycle, I was ready to make this baby (with more conviction than MOVE THAT BUS). After possibly conceiving you then have to wait an agonizing two weeks to see if your hard work even paid off. You can take a pregnancy test before your expected period, however your accuracy rates start declining as you get further and further from your start day. Baby making is not for those who thrive on instant gratification. Well, needless to say, I got my period right on time. (explicative deleted) joy.

This two-week-wait hell went on month after month till December, which as I look back now is such a small period of time in the grand scheme of things. Unfortunately at the time it was excruciating. It was even worse when I had to meet excited, hopeful, happy friends with a "no" each time they inquired about my uterus and the contents (or lack there of) within. By the time I actually got pregnant every one had pretty much dropped it (this had it's advantage as we realized we wanted to wait to spill the beans).

Sex became the innocent bystander in the whole operation. At a certain point, certain months, it started to feel like a mission and less of what it had been. I hope that wasn't too open there. They warn against this in all the "how to get pregnant you dummy" guides. Chris and I joked at one point that he needed to lose his job and start being abusive and we'd probably be pregnant in a heartbeat. Let's just say my husband is an incredible man and I can't imagine not having him on my team. He was the harness that kept me put together on this roller coaster.

Jealousy was another unexpected side effect in this process. It was so shameless and seemed beyond my control. Before, when I would see pregnant women, I would smile and fill with warmth and adoration. Boy did that change. They were a cruel reminder of what I was lacking and wanting so bad. There were times where I felt like God was punishing me for all my previous transgressions. I also got the horrible sinking feeling of "what if I can't conceive?". My aunt on my dad's side was never able to and it was my worst fear. The best was when my friend got pregnant in August, completely unplanned. I was so happy for her, but inside I was having a big ol' pitty party.

In August I had quit enjoying all the luxuries of not being pregnant, i.e. coffee, alcoholic beverages and their closest companion the cigarette. I was convinced that these things would inhibit my ability to get pregnant. In fact they do say that cigarettes and caffeine can interfere with ovulation and therefor conception (besides cigarettes are one of the foulest creations ever). When I got my period in September (also the month I turned 25) I was like "to hell with that! I'm going to enjoy myself then". Some girls claim that alcohol is actually a conductor of conception. They might be onto something there.

By November I had pretty much given up, as I said previously. I figured there were lots of other things in my life that were very positive and enriching and our baby would come when it was ready. I let go. I opened my clenched little fist and realized that that is the only way to receive in the first place. So on I went with my life. Chris and I went to Wisconsin for a business trip. I remember feeling nauseous and dizzy when we took off on the first leg of out trip. I was relieved that I had noted where they kept the barf bags once before on a flight when I was bored and had resorted to rummaging. At the time I thought it odd but didn't really think I was pregnant as I had given up on that. Each month the slightest thing would be off and I'd be certain I was pregnant, so I had had enough of that by now. There weren't enough Bloody Mary's in Wisconsin to satisfy my urge for them. I drank it up and had a really great time. Thank goodness I did too because the hour after I got home my drinking days were put on a serious sabbatical. Living selfishly became a thing of the past, and a new purpose for life overwhelmed me.

I hope that was helpful, or at least amusing. My most sincere love and blessings to those out there who are tying to become a mommy (or daddy). I'll keep the hope alive for you when it doesn't seem possible. I promise your baby will come at the perfect time. Hang in there. Hold on. And if at all possible, relax.

Oooh, baby, baby (push it real good)

Surprise!!!!!

On December 13th 2009 Chris and I found out that in just 9 short months we were going to become, as my OBGYN so succinctly put it "a mommy and a daddy". You would think we would be jumping up and down for joy and shouting it from the roof tops, but, as many of you are just finding out, we screamed on the inside while keeping a calm and cool demeanor on the outside (at least in front of company). Many of you are probably still trying to pick your jaw up off the floor and for this I apologize. I took my first test on the 13th right after we had returned home from a business trip in Wisconsin. I didn't really believe it at first. Chris and I had been trying to conceive since August. I had all but given up hope. I read all sorts of horror stories over the past few months of women who had been trying to conceive for years and I just couldn't handle that kind and length of disappointment. So as of November I had pretty much given up. I started focusing on what else I was going to do with my life as creating and having a baby had completely consumed me in the previous months, and of course it happened as soon as I let go. Now here I was, getting ready to take a shower thinking 'well I might as well take a test for good measure' as "that time of the month" was just two days away. I remember I was just about to turn the shower on when I glanced over and saw a faint second line. WHAT?????? It didn't even register at first. What happened to that ever present single line that seemed to mock me each time I peed on one of those horrible contraptions! Then I had a cataclysmic moment where a bazillion thoughts flooded my mind, most markedly, 'do I go tell Chris?' which even at the time seemed like an odd thought.. although I'd have to say, the whole moment wasn't making all that much sense. I poked my head out of the bathroom and said "I just got a faint line on this test" which he in turn replied "and what does that mean?"... obviously we were both a bit of a loss here. "Well, it might mean I'm pregnant".... might... we kind of just stood there and looked at each other. We decided I'd wait a few days and take another one to be sure. On the 15th I took another test (picture above) and then went into the doctor to have it confirmed... That day we decided that, given it was my first pregnancy and the rate of miscarriages, we would wait till the second trimester to disclose the information (those conception horror stories turned into miscarriage info overload). My due date is August 23, 2010 and as that is our wedding anniversary I am hoping (after a healthy pregnancy, birth and baby) that our little one isn't one of those few babies that actually arrives on their due date.

I had severe nausea which, thank the Lord, only lasted a few weeks and subsided into morning sickness. The smell of food was no longer something that I happened by, it was something that happened to me. In my sleep I would dream of eating at lavish buffets and wake up dreading the smell of the kitchen. Chris was a good sport and made many of his meals and didn't take it personally when I sat as far away as I could while he ate. After a few weeks of that I could stand the sight of food but managed to throw up every morning. Luckily it wasn't all day and double lucky that it has all but subsided at this point *knock on wood*.

Our first appointment at the OBGYN was an uneventful yet exciting one. We filled out and answered medical history questions and I gave them all sorts of bodily fluids to be tested for only God knows what. The second appointment was by far the best time of my life however. Never in my life did I fathom that one of the most precious and perfect moments in my life would be in a doctors office... I had no idea what motherhood entailed. As the video shows we got to hear the life altering, world rocking, perspective clearing sound of our very first baby's heartbeat. I've used lots of words in my life to describe things, I actually pride myself in my capability, but this was one of those moments in life where explanations do no justice. It's an experience, a moment of enlightenment, a spiritual awakening, and if you have no idea what I'm talking about, wait till you hear your baby's heart beating inside your body. I guess the closest thing I can compare it to is this, and no it won't do it justice and yes, it's a bit corny. For those of you that have read the Twilight series it is just like imprinting. It's like all the chords that connect you to life, and what matters are all simultaneously snipped away. That little person inside became the only thing that really mattered, it brought true meaning to the phrase 'don't sweat the small stuff and everything is small stuff'. Suddenly the smallest thing in my life became the biggest thing that I ever have and will do. Everything went silent, there wasn't any thought or clutter in my mind, just the soft, rhythmic sound of that tiny little organ, my baby's life force and somehow, my life force as well. Eckhart Tolle explains in his book "The Power of Now" that true, unadulterated joy is experienced when their is no thought, and that my friends, is exactly the moment I had.. pure joy.

A huge thanks to Mrs. Kimberly Laird for the inspiration and motivation to get this blog going. She has an amazing blog you can check out by clicking her from my page.